Unspoken Sibling Rivalry

There is only a year gap between my sister and me.  I adore and love her so much.  As a child, seeing her as the brilliant and smart one, she became my role model.   As years went by, I felt happier that everybody loved her, but why was there pinching pain I felt inside?

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I’m Becoming My Sister and I Hate It

I think of her as the best sister one could ever have.   She loves and cares for me, so I look up to her, and I push myself to the edge just to come a little bit closer to where she is.   I tried very hard not to notice that I was starting to be her copycat until it got to the point when I no longer knew who I was anymore.

I Lived In the Shadow

“Parents’ relationships with each of their children are very closely involved in sibling rivalry,” according to British psychologist Judy Dunn. My parents were so happy that my sister and I seemed like the perfect siblings.   They never heard us quarrel over things.  There were no issues between the two us.  My sister was so kind to me, assisting me in everything, giving me whatever she thinks I need.   She always had an opinion on things, especially things that involved me – what dress I should wear, the gift I would love to receive, my favorite dessert, the movies I want to watch, just every single thing.   Until now, my parents still think she is the best, and I agree with them. Maybe that’s why I tend to say yes to everything.   No one had a hint that was starting to rebel inside, convincing myself, “Oh, my sister knows best.”

Sibling Bond Gone Complicated

Teenage years are times when things start to become awkward.  I have to speak my mind out. According to psychoanalyst Roberta Satow Ph.D., “Ambivalence about our siblings is inevitable. But, as long as the balance between the love and the hate of them is at least 60/40 we can live with it and not want to kill each other.”

“No, I don’t want to dress like her, it’s not just my type.”

“I don’t like those kinds of food; I want something else.”

It’s in my teenage years that I started to think that I wanted to have things I can call my own, do things I want to do.   I began to think that it’s about time I become me.

Of course, my parents were shocked of me getting out of my sister’s shadow.  They never liked the idea of me trying to do things on my own without the approval of my sister.  No one can stop me this time as I’ve been struggling inside, that even I don’t know when this feeling started.

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My sister and my parents were happy, but I became the rebellious child.

I Want To Know Who I am, So I Will Know Where I Am Going

I know they were hurt but is it wrong for me to find and know who I am.  My parents don’t even recognize me, nor my sister knows who I am inside and out.   All they know is that I am my sister’s little sister.  I don’t have an identity of my own.   They don’t even know what I want, all they think of is what they want for me.  Isn’t it about time that I spread my wings and see for myself what’s above and below me, especially what I have ahead of me.

They always thought of us as the perfect siblings, but never really asked how each of us feels.  According to Robert Taibbi L.C.S.W., “Everyone needs positive attention. In its absence, children and adults will shoot for negative attention. The worst is no attention at all.” They never really let me talk about is sibling rivalry. I don’t hate them for it, and I don’t want that time to come.   As early as now, I know I should deal with this feeling inside me so it will not be a problem in the future and will not ruin my almost-perfect relationship with my sister because I love her.